What a wonderful world Hollywood is when memorable movie quotes last a lifetime. This is a collection of movie lies quotes I have actually heard in my career. Some famous. Some not so famous.
Oh, and a spattering of some of my favorite quotes that would just as likely apply to Hollywood.
“Nobody knows anything.”
– William Goldman, Adventures in the Screen Trade
We’ll never see that.
We’ll have an early rap because…
You can only use one or the other.
“I’ve wasted the greater part of my life looking for money and trying to get along, trying to make my work from this terribly expensive paint box. I’ve spent too much energy on things that have nothing to do with making a movie. It’s about two percent movie making and 98 per cent hustling. It’s no way to spend a life.”
– Orson Welles, quoted at the end of The Battle over Citizen Kane
This is the ABBEY SINGER.
This is the MARTINI.
“That’s the best part of Los Angeles. It’s filled with these Don Quixote characters. Everyone’s left their families, their homes, their friends, their jobs, to pursue a dream, where they know the percentage of them achieving that dream is never. And they do it anyway. And everyone’s shared the same dream, and no one’s sure if it was a premonition, or, a delusion. And there’s only one way to find out.”
– Ryan Gosling “Seduced and Abandoned” HBO documentary
Of course I can ride (swim, drive…)
It’s got kids in it, the hours will be short.
“You know how you can tell you have a friend in Hollywood? They stab you in the chest. Because everybody else is going to stab you in the back baby.”
– Stan Gill
We’ll be ready in 5 min.
She (he) will be finished in 5 min.
She (he) is coming out of the dressing room now.
Rain won’t hurt us, you won’t even see it unless it’s really hard.
I’m more critical than you are and I think I look great.
We’ll correct it on your next check.
The checks are in the mail.
“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”
– Mark Twain
The PA had to leave before the checks were ready.
They only told me last night.
No one told me.
“What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand? Is it the ‘n’ part or the ‘o’ part?”
I didn’t get the changes.
I never saw a script.
“It’s not a real movie unless blood is shed in furtherance of the art.”
The car won’t move in the shot.
The door won’t open in the shot.
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams
We won’t ever look that way.
Do this one for me and I’ll remember you on the next one.
I couldn’t call you on this one… The producer (director) wanted someone else.
There are no lines in this one, so they won’t talk.
“They” told me to do it.
“I wanted sandwiches!,” Orson Welles screamed as the light dissipated behind him. “So they could eat with one hand!”
If they’re looking at that we’re in trouble.
I know it won’t match, but since we’re here let’s shoot it anyway.
In the time we’ve wasted talking about it, we could have shot it again.
Don’t worry about it, they’ll fix it in post.
“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
– Mark Twain
Don’t worry about it, we checked with the union and it’s okay.
“Sometimes you can lead a jackass to water, but they still think they’re a horse.”
They never discussed this in the meeting.
We’ll make sure that the crew doesn’t eat, drink or smoke inside the location.
We won’t let anyone drive to the set. Everyone will park in the crew parking.
Don’t ask me, I wasn’t here that day.
We’ll be starting soon, we should have the money any day now.
There will be a little something extra in your envelope next week.
It works for me.
“New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.”
– Mark Twain
It’s good enough for television. It’ll look great on my iPod.
Don’t worry, we’ll clear the set for that scene.
I can do my own makeup and hair.
Work with this. You’re killing us.
What is this, film school?
This isn’t my first rodeo.
We have half the money already, we just need the other half.
We’re shooting on the RED.
We’ll be working with A–list talent.
I should’ve never turned down that Jessica Simpson video.
I’ve done lots of these kinds of shows.
We have a really great script and crew.
“An oral agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “
– Samuel Goldwyn
There’s no way we can lose money on this.
You have my word on it.
My agent never said anything about this.
“Actors are a necessary evil in filmmaking.”
We have just a few notes for you.
We’ll wrap before sunrise.
We’ll wrap before sunset.
They must have never gotten my notes.
It’s my understanding films don’t get made overnight.
“There are two kinds of actors. Those you can f*ck and those who can f*ck you. The other ones are pretty professional.”
“Being a screenwriter is like being a mother. You give birth, and you get to raise the child through age three – through the most wretched, vomitous, diaperish, nasty years of the child’s life, where you clean him and teach him how to walk and help him to talk, and all of a sudden you have this child who’s just about to communicate with you…and you’re just about to see him really become a person, and then the adoption agency comes in and takes this kid away from you and someone else raises it.”
– Jane Anderson “What It’s Like to Be a Screenwriter”
“All the doors in Hollywood are hard to open, but the easiest of the hard doors to open is writing.”
– James Orr
The critics are raving.
Everybody gets f*cked in Hollywood. It’s just a matter of whether you want it or not. – [redacted]
“My contract reads, ‘I refuse to work with directors who don’t bathe on a daily basis.'”
– Stan Gill
“The marketability of a movie has somehow or another become, uh, more important than the story.”
– Jeffery Katzenberg “Seduced and Abandoned” HBO documentary
“The real problem in this business if you make a great film, you really get down to it, you make a great film that no one goes to see, versus a bad film that everyone has gone to see, the way you keep your job is you make that bad film that everyone went to see. You don’t get good points for the film no one went to see.”
– Ron Meyer “Seduced and Abandoned” HBO documentary